


Toy Soldier

by geckoholic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, coercion of a minor, threatened underage dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-22
Updated: 2011-08-22
Packaged: 2017-10-22 22:56:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>He's just going to deal with it. Do the job, and bury everything else where it can't reach him. </em> - Pre-series; five times Dean lost a piece of his childhood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Toy Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> For the Dean-focused h/c tags-challenge at hoodie_time. The prompts I used were "childhood trauma" and "mumps". One of the first things I thought about was the quote from Bloodlust I added in the end, and it all kind of, uh, snowballed from there. Also, I'll be using this for the "forced to participate in illegal / hurtful activity" square on my hc_bingo-card. 
> 
> Beta'd by embroiderama. Thank you so much! ♥ All remaining mistakes are mine. And once more, kelzies was there for the hand-holding and and test-reading. 
> 
> Title is from "With Lights Out" by Red Light Company.

  
The first time Dean sees a dead person, he's seven years old.

Sam's at Pastor Jim's, sick with mumps and his dad had decided to separate them to prevent Dean from catching it, but it was too late: Dean got sick anyway and Dad didn't want to leave him alone, but there was a ghoul on the loose and it was full moon; that's how Dean ended up in the back seat, hurting and confused and feverish.

Dad had ordered him to stay in the Impala, _seriously Dean, get out of the car and I'll end you_ , but Dean'd fallen asleep, and when he opens his eyes and finds himself alone and freezing something fierce, all he wants is his daddy. Without a moment's hesitation, he climbs out of the car and into the dark.

It's pitch-black out there; they're not in town anymore as they were when Dean fell asleep but somewhere in the woods, and the only source of light is the faint glow of a little fire a few yards away. That must be Dad, Dean thinks hazily, and starts to stumble towards it.

He's right. As he gets closer, he sees a tall figure hovering above a lump of something near the fire, and Dean's certain it's his dad.

Dad doesn't see him at first, he's rummaging in a duffle, turned away from the lump, which, as Dean approaches, turns out to be a dead body. It's naked, and the orange and yellow glow of the fire paints highlights on his skin that would freak Dean out if he was be afraid of that kind of thing. But he isn't, he's a big boy and he know's what's going on in the world and that he shouldn't be afraid because Dad's looking out for him, him and Sam.

He hunkers down by the body and reaches out to touch it, but just then Dad turns. When he sees Dean, he lets out a startled little cry that sounds a little like Dean's name and nothing like any sound Dad would usually make.

Before Dean knows what's happening, Dad sweeps him up in his arms. "I thought I told you to stay in the car." It doesn't sound like a reprimand, more worried and somewhat shocked. "You shouldn't be out here."

Dean winds his arms and legs around his dad's body as best as he can, burrows his face in his leather jacket and mumbles "M' so cold." His teeth clatter as he speaks, and it's not feigned; it's cold out here, and he's freezing more than ever, shivering even.

"Yeah, little man, I know. I'll just finish things up here, and then I'll get you back to the motel and into a nice, warm bed." He ruffles Dean's hair. "How's that sound?"

He allows Dean to curl up half in his lap while he drives, and Dean's fast asleep before they even reach the motel.

  
***

  
When Dean's ten, he and Sam spend a night in a protectory and Child Protective Services become his mortal enemy.

Dad had left almost two weeks earlier and told Dean that he'd be back in three days at the latest. All Dean had to do was to hold up the fort until Dad came back and see that Sammy got to school and back okay. _Just do your homework, make sure both of you eat three times a day, there's enough food in the fridge and the cabinet,_ Dad had said, _I'll be back as soon as I can._

Three days turn into a week, and the food rapidly grows scarce. Dean tries, he goes hungry two days in a row to make sure Sam's eating enough, at least, but on day number eight of Dad's absence he realizes that he's got to do _something_.

There's no money. Why would there be, considering Dad said it'd only be three days? So Dean resorts to stealing from the local grocery store. It almost goes well, he's sneaky and all, but just as he's about to leave through the big automatic door, a package of processed cheese falls out from where he hid the food under his jacket.

The owner of the store, a haggard old lady wearing her grey hair in a bun, yells at him from afar, and Dean tries to run, but he can't go too fast or he'll lose the rest of the food and it'll all been for nothing.

He's barely out the door when she catches up with him.

Something of his desperation must show in his eyes, because her expression softens when she gets a good look at him. Dean tells her something that is dangerously close to the truth - that his dad is a salesman and out of town, that he got held up for a day longer than he said. Dean explains that he's got a little brother at home and they're hungry, and can she please, just this time, not call the police? She agrees to let him go if he promises that his dad will pay the bill the next day, and insists that Dean lets her walk him home.

Dean's too scared and too panicked to be able to think of fooling her with a wrong address, a wrong place, and he's never going to forgive himself for that slip-up. A few more days go by, and on the twelfth day, the Winchester boys wake up to the police and a guy from CPS knocking on the the door. Dean argues and begs, but it's no use.

Dad is back the next afternoon. CPS left a note on the kitchen table, and he gets them out by saying he got into a car accident and couldn't leave the hospital, couldn't even make a call because he'd momentarily lost some of his memory. Total bullshit, but Dad's got the bruises and cuts and a nasty, stitched gash all along his thigh to go with it, and he somehow manages to charm the child care worker in charge into believing him.

They're ordered to gather all their shit as soon as they're home, and it's days before Dad regards Dean with anything else than a cutting glare.

  
***

  
Dean's first hunt is a disaster.

He's thirteen, and not supposed to be there. But Dad's back up - some redneck who only hunts in his freetime when the corn's growing and there's nothing much else to do - didn't show and Sam's settled at a friends for the night. After Dad's waited for an hour and a half, he turns to Dean, encouraging smile on his lips. His voice sounds conspiratorially, like he's inviting Dean along for an adventure, and he tells Dean that, hey, why should he wait around for some drunk part-time hunter when he's got a strong, smart young man sitting right there next to him? Dean's almost dizzy with pride and excitement, huge grin plastered onto his face all the way into the swamps where the creature's been seen last.

They split up, and right then and there Dean's chest almost bursts with the feeling of not only being taken along, but also trusted to seek their prey out on his own.

Five minutes in, he hears the creatures screech close by. It's a harpy, one of those things Dean never believes are actually real until he sees them with his own eyes, and he trips, excitement washed away by pure panic within heartbeats. Lying there on the ground, he can't do a thing about it when the creature hops his way like a crow; he lost his shotgun when he fell.

It tries to snatch him away, buries it's claws deep into his sides and between the pain and the bloodloss Dean's only vaguely aware that suddenly there's no ground under him anymore, that it's going to fly away and take him with it.

Then there's a shot, two, and he falls back onto the ground, just a few inches, nothing broken, and the thing collapses on top of him. Dad's at his side, running hands all over him and mumbling Dean's name along with curses and apologies, and when he picks him up from the ground, Dean's vision goes white.

The claw marks are deep; they need stitches and leave faint scars all along his torso, and Dean wears them like a medal.

  
***

  
After the CPS incident, Dean and his dad make sure to never let that happen again. It's unspoken, no carefully set plan, but Dean always makes sure to stock up on canned meals and rice and noodles even when Dad's around, and Dad leaves him with money for twice the amount of time that he plans to be away.

But Dad's estimate of how long he'll be gone aren't exactly accurate, and sometimes, it's difficult anyway. There's not always enough for the three meals a day they have when Dad's there and now and then, there's nothing but buttered rice or plain bread, but Dean makes do.

It all falls apart one winter in Chicago when Dean's fourteen, when Dad's "a week, tops" turns into three and the landlord of the rundown housing complex they stay in takes to pounding on their door daily, demanding his overdue rent.

Dean tries to dodge him as well as he can, but he and Sam have school and he can't ditch in order not to draw attention, and after a few days, the landlord catches him in the hallway. He's in his forties, thinning hair and a beer belly and a wifebeater under a thick flannel jacket that's almost always greasy, and he corners Dean, herds him towards the wall.

"Got my money?" he asks, poking Dean in the ribs for emphasis.

Slowly, Dean shakes his head.

The landlord nods, and then he brings his hand up to Dean's face, strokes his check. "Tell you somethin', boy. We'll forget the money, if you agree to put that pretty mouth o' yours to good use." He runs a thumb over Dean's lips and grins suggestively.

Every instinct in Dean's body tells him to fight, to kick the guy in the groin and make a run for it, and he almost does, consequences be damned. He just needs to get away, and he tries to at least turn his head away.

But then the landlord leans in close to whispers into his ear. "Or maybe I should alert the authorities. Two boys, alone for so long... Upstanding citizen like me has to report that, right?"

Dean's voice almost doesn't obey him when he breathes out "No, please." He has to clear his throat, and his voice sounds thin and far away in his own ears when he speaks again. "I'll do it, please, just don't report us."

Before backing away, the guy takes hold off Dean's hand to place it on his own groin, and Dean can feel a tell-tale bulge. "Lookin' forward to it," he says.

Even after he's gone, Dean stays in place, pressed up to the wall, hands flat on the cold stone to keep from sliding downwards. He can barely breathe, choking on the smell of cigarettes and booze and sweat the landlord left behind, and his stomach clenches painfully, bile raising in his throat. He closes his eyes, counts to ten in his head, and then pushes himself off the wall. A simple blowjob isn't going to kill him, he tries to tell himself.

It's not working; Dean barely makes it into the bathroom of their flat before he throws up all of the lunch he had at school.

Later that night, Dad's back, and when Dean and Sam come home after school the next day, half their stuff is already packed. He sends Sam off to gather their toiletries from the tiny bathroom and makes Dean fold their clothes and squeeze them into a duffle bag.

They leave that afternoon, and Dean can't remember ever being so relieved to get away from a place.

  
***

  
The harpy delays the real begining of Dean's hunting career by a little more than a year - Dad was shocked enough by it to leave Dean out of the job for a bit longer - but by the time he turns fifteen, Dad starts to take him along again. He's careful at first; Dean's mostly doing groundwork or stays behind to keep watch.

But Dean's good at it, eager too, and he manages to make himself indispensable with time; after a while Dad allows him to come along as a partner, not as an assistant.

When Dean's sixteen, they spend a few months in a small town in Connecticut. It's boring as all get-out, but Dad's rented them a small apartment that isn't rat-infested for once, kinda nice even. Sam enjoys it when Dean takes him to the shore on the weekends they spend alone, so Dean likes it well enough.

At the tail end of the school year, Dad digs up a werewolf hunt in Hartford. Dean's junior prom is three weeks away, and a girl named Gloria Ashby invited him to some kind of meeting in preparation off the big night, but he's glad he has a real reason to decline. Gloria's winking when she invites him - she's been giving him the eye for weeks and he's pretty sure there'll be sex sooner or later if he plays nice - but he couldn't care less about decorations and ribbons and whether the theme of the dance will be mermaids or princesses or some such bullshit.

His line of work, he doesn't need school anyway. Dean's been arguing with Dad about dropping out a few times already, but so far Dad's still insisting that he'll at least finish twelfth grade.

The irony of Sam bitching about spending more time in school while Dean bitches about spending less doesn't escape him.

Sure enough, Sam whines about a school project he's got to finish that weekend and about how mean Dad is and how they never do what Sam wants during the whole drive to Hartford. He had to come with them, though, since it's a long drive and they're going to be away all night, and Dean tries his best to calm him down. He even volunteers to quiz him for an upcoming chemistry test, and when they finally arrive, Sam's still pouting, but he's quiet and curls up to sleep in the backseat without further complaints.

It's not a very complicated hunt, werewolves aren't exactly smart in their turned state, and after a short chase, it's Dean who finishes the thing off after it attacked them and managed to knock Dad out cold. Having lost his own gun in the fight, he picks up the crossbow Dad was carrying, aims and hits right into the heart.

He just forgot that after they're dead, werewolves turn back into people. The fact that he just killed a person who's been living a normal life, went to work and had a family and friends, catches up with him when he looks down onto the body after the kill: all the fur is gone, and he stares at a naked girl, brunette, skinny, probably early twenties. If he squints, she looks a little bit like Gloria.

It can't be her, Dean knows that, but it still leaves him breathless.

Dad comes to right then, gets up and claps Dean onto the shoulder, tells him he did good, and together they load the girl into the trunk, careful not to wake Sam in the process.

Dean's heart is still racing as watches the body burn on a pyre later, out in the woods. It's not just because of the adrenaline rush; he's painfully aware that he just ended a life - a life, not just the existence of a creature, and it makes him want to cry or scream or both.

But he decides that, if that's what it takes to keep the Gloria Ashby's of this world safe so that they can decorate gyms and dress up as princesses for their proms? He's just going to deal with it. Do the job, and bury everything else where it can't reach him.


End file.
